1. Call me email
What does Mickey Rourke have to do with Herman Melville? Not much, but we do at
least know that it would take nine and a half months and
some
12,849 updates to tweet the whole text of Moby Dick. Damn - the
film was Nine 1/2 Weeks! Unless readers can suggest otherwise, the two
have nothing in common.
2. A load of ar5e
What made Ashton Kutchner so popular as a tweeter? Tweeting a
photo
of his wife's bum. It is probably worth mentioning that the posterior in
question belongs to Demi Moore - but surely anyone that really, really wants to
see that 'seat' must have seen Striptease? Or any one out of a pantful
of her painful movies.
3. The plane! The plane!
What might go through your mind as the plane you're travelling in began its
impromptu fall to the ground? Who and what to tweet? No, us neither. It did to
one bloke, though. Mike Wilson scrambled out of the wreckage of Flight 1404, and
decided to post this message: "Holy f**king s**t I was just in a plane crash."
Short, to the point, interesting and important. Surely this is the Holy Grail of
tweets?
4. That'll teach you not to be lazy
Maybe students aren't supposed to get jobs? That was the
lesson
learned by someone calling themselves '@theconnor' who tweeted: "Cisco just
offered me a job! Now I have to weigh the utility of a fatty paycheck against
the daily commute to San Jose and hating the work." Presumably her uni friends
were too bonged out to see the possible implications of sending this out to the
Twitter universe, but one tech-savvy Cisco employee wasn't. '@timmylevad'
explained that the hiring manager at the firm would "love to know that you will
hate the work". Red smileys all round.
5. You gotta love PR people
You do? Well, so they tell us anyway. Somewhere that doesn't is Memphis,
Tennessee. Tennessee, in case you don't know, is the home of both FedEx and its
powerful founder Fred Smith. Smith has the occasional "total millions of dollars
" need for PR, and uses the Ketchum agency for just this purpose. Probably not
wise, then, for a Ketchum employee to tweet the following: "I'm in one of those
towns where I scratch my head and say: 'I would die if I had to live here',"
when he arrived in Memphis to present to thousands of FedEx employees.
6. Et tu, Stephen
Twitter has even humbled Stephen Fry, potentially the UK's most erudite TV star
named Stephen. Usually extremely loquacious, when Fry was stuck in a lift in
London's Centre Point building he was reduced to what can only be described as
illiterate grunts. "Arse, poo and widdle" were his exact words, and they don't
mean anything to us either.
7. Pre-empting Pre
What would possess anyone to give new handhelds to gadget-hungry young tweeters?
Oh, the fact that they are the target market. Forget that point then. Still it's
kinda embarrassing that beta users of the Palm Pre device merrily twittered
about their experience, the potential price of the handset, and its release date
when they had them in their mitts. One even had the cheek to announce: "Got Pre
to work on Twitter, but it's a tad cludgy." Have they no shame?
8. Kumo?
Microsoft, too, has felt the brunt of the Twitter leak when someone decided to
announce that its LiveSearch was being rebranded. The tweet was soon taken down
but not before we all had the opportunity to discover that the firm was
considering renaming it Kumo - which sounds like a name in progress anyway.
9. Tweeeeetttsss iiinnnnnnn spppppaaaaaaaaace
The sky looks very different reflected in the screen of a small handheld device,
apparently. Well, according to spaceman Mike Massimino, who has made 'history'
by sending the
first
ever tweets from space, it looks magnificent. "Launch was awesome! I am
feeling great, working hard, and enjoying the magnificent views, the adventure
of a lifetime has begun!" Thanks Mike - now get back to looking out the window.
10. Dog bites dog
Twitter had some
screenshots
of its admin screens leaked after a hacker with nothing better to do logged in,
pinched them and sent them out to a blasé audience. Lucky punters were able to
see who Obama bans from his Tweet list, and how many times he changes his
password. For a while anyway.
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